Check and List

As I established in my last post, "A" is history. However, it was as if he could smell the rejection through the phone waves and he upped his game by texting and calling me several times over the next few days. There was nothing of importance in any of them; in fact, most of them consisted of him trying to make last minute plans- as if I didn't have anything else to do with my life but wait around for when he actually got his act together. Needless to say, I didn't respond.

However, it got me to thinking: it was hard for me to just shut "A" out, even though he was not what I wanted in a man. Why is that? Do I like a challenge? The attention? Is it the fact that I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, so I felt safe with that?

Maybe what I really need is a checklist of things to look for in a man. I know several women have something like this and can include things that are logical (Can protect me from the dangers of the night) and the profound (Would make a good father). I don't roll that way. So here I present to you; "Nicole's Shallow List of Needs":

1) He should be 6' or taller. Nothing is sexier than a man that towers over me and makes me feel like a woman.

2) He should have a banging body. In the past I have dated men skinnier than me or (in one specific case) had muscles AND a gut. "How does that work?" you may ask. My answer? "No fucking clue." This time around I want a man who has a stomach/ chest that makes me tremble when I look at it.

3) He should have an accent. Irish or English is preferred. However, the less I can understand the more appealing you become. Keeps that mystery alive.

4) He should know how to dress himself. More importantly, he should wear a suit (or business wear) to work. I'm not sure why, but a man in a good tie and dress slacks gets me every time. Which is why the commute to work in the morning is so much fun.

5) He should probably have dark hair. Although I don't discriminate against other hues.

6) He should look good enough with me that when we walk by everyone else feels a bubble of jealousy of how damn adorable we are- separate and together.

So, do me a favor and comb the streets of where you live to find this man. If he doesn't live in Chicago, that's okay- we can just use some sort of overnight-express-get-him-to-me-now shipping.

Until then, I will just keep entertaining myself with these jokers...

"A" stands for annoying, aggrivating, absurd, etc.

After the weirdness of "A's" voice mail last night, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I opted for texting, although as impersonal as a date in public (according to Mike from the Passion Pit Show) it would protect me from straining to understand his mumbling over the phone and listening to him sound like he was getting kicked in the gut repeatedly. However, there was no way I could anticipate the difficulty of getting a man who has tried to contact me three times within four days to ask me out. The text conversation follows:

Me: Sorry I missed ur call yesterday. Was out w my friend.

A: I'm glad you survived the storm :)

Me: Yeah it was a pretty nasty one

A: I remember u mentioning u were going out, how are you?

Me: I'm doing well. and how are you this fine evening?

A: Yes it was, well we got some fresh air now... (I mean, who doesn't comment on the freshness of the air via text?)

A: I'm good, just a little mad I couldn't finish my soccer game :(. Yes it turn out a really nice evening.

Me: Why couldn't you finish it?

A: I was actually gonna call but I thought u might be busy, when can I see you? If possible...:) (SUCCESS!)

A: It was outdoors and the storm just dropped on us! :(

Me: I'm sorry to hear that. It would be great to get together... possibly this weekend?

A: That sounds good, how was your day? (Excuse me? That's it? Are you KIDDING ME?)

Me: Nothing too eventful. So did you want to make plans?

13 minutes later...

A: Yes I do want to

Me: (SCREAMING IN MY HEAD)

A: I'd like that...:)

Me: (GASPING FOR AIR)

Me: Well? Pick a time or something

A: Ok, I'm pretty open as far as time. I don't really know what u like to do so I could use some help... if you don't mind?

Me: Saturday? Dinner? Or maybe a movie?

34 minutes later...

A: Sounds good! I'm off to bed good night.

SERIOUSLY?

Moral of the story? I choose option "B", whatever that is. There is no point in wasting any more of my time with a man who can't even set a time to see me.

Mixed messages

Today, my good friend Susan took me out for a late birthday celebration. We first stopped at an Ethiopian restaurant for an early dinner and then to see an adult close up magic show at the wine bar, "In Fine Spirits". As we were leaving dinner, I happened to check my phone to see I had a voice mail. Upon further inspection I saw that the missed call had indeed been from none other than "A". Here I think, "Wow! Twice in two days! He must have called to finally ask me out!" When I actually got to listening to the message it was such a mess of mumbling and incoherent sounds that I had to listen to it several (four to be exact) times before being able to piece together what he was actually saying. The message was as follows:

"Hey Nicole it's David (ah! So I WAS right about his name!) How are you? Ummmm... ummmm... (stuttering) I just wanted to call and say hi and talk to you a little bit. I don't know if you watch uh soccer at all or if you even like soccer or if you are following, you know, the World Cup... I think we talked about it a little but I guess it wasn't really clear if you were following it... ugggh. Just a little sad and disappointed that Mexico lost... hopefully, you know, we will make it (Here he lets out a huge guttural sigh that sounds like he is dying inside). Okay, um, well, I don't want to bother you- you must be busy so when I get around to it, I will talk to you later. Have a good day."

First sweating and now the World Cup? What will tomorrow's topic be? His favorite breakfast cereal?

Honestly, I understand that he is nervous... but why keep putting himself into this situation? Why not ask me out? Or not leave awkwardly long voice mails about nothing? I am certain that if there were a World Cup of talking too much and doing too little, "A" would win almost every game.



Going to the other end of the spectrum, I decided that I would go and see Devil's Snare recently. I can't disclose too much information in case he somehow stumbles upon this, but I will say that DS was as irresistible and frustrating to me as always. He also gives me a bout of word vomit that makes me talk about him against my best will to everyone from my best friend Kaylie to the random guy who may be able to give me some perspective on the one question that always riddles my mind when it comes to him: "Why?"

Like Flavor Flav, handing out chains...

The past four months have been a whirlwind- plain and simple. Nothing get's this girl's blood pumping like being able to officially do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. A few heavy hitters:

The Bad Decision.

Blue Eyes.

Devil's Snare. (This person did not originally have a nickname... but I think it is fitting and hilarious)

In my brief stint in single hood, I have already experienced a man with a penis the size of a pinky (but didn't seem bothered by it); a grown man who begged to sleep on my futon when I told him I wouldn't sleep with him (who was also deceivingly balding); a charming drunk man who asked his elderly cohort if he should, "Get with me" that night (the elderly cohort said yes. I told them it wasn't up to either of them); and a dancing boy at a concert who became enraged when I wouldn't go over to his apartment to watch movies instead of go on a real date with him ("Going out to eat at a restaurant is so IMPERSONAL." -sadly a real quote).

Amazingly none of them got past the "Oh, I put your number into my phone as your first name with an place/description so I knew who you were" stage. And no worries... all such numbers have been deleted, lest I have a few and decide it would be funny to text "Drunk Kevin" or "Nick Mayfest".

Most recently I went Salsa dancing for a friend's birthday party where I met, danced with and exchanged numbers with a man who I am pretty sure said his name was David. However, with drink in hand I somehow managed to save his number under "A". Now "A" is probably late 20's, of some Hispanic origin, and has a baby mole under his nose that just makes me think of Enrique Iglesias. He is also in construction, so very heavily muscled- which is fine with me. He seemed sweet enough, and he texted me the whole night. Two days later he calls me at one in the afternoon. Weird, but whatever. He talks about some random things including sweating- which I think odd... but forgive (maybe he is just nervous, not a total weirdo?). Twenty minutes later I tell him I must get off the phone and let him know that if he ever wants to get together to let me know. His response isn't to set up a date, but to inform me that "That is one of the reasons he asked for my number." Ooookay, and what were the other reasons?
"A" may not be "A-okay"... but he hasn't done anything super creepy or offensive yet, so I don't think I will add him to the delete list for now. Plus, he did have a really good body...

This used to be me...

"The man whom I live with and have been with for three years is often busy. He leaves me almost every night to fall asleep on a couch in front of an unresponsive television set and loneliness. When he arrives home, he wakes me up to go into the bedroom and then falls asleep on the couch himself. I sleep alone, tossing and turning, waiting for him.

I moved to Chicago years ago, but all of the friends I made here have disappeared one by one, deeming me not important enough to make the effort for. It makes for lonely hours full of crying alone. No one should ever have to cry alone, yet it seems the most effective when all you want is to focus on pain. I choose to cry in the shower. I mix my tears with water and make a heartache cocktail to enjoy on my own. They are bitter, but I always ask for more.

I can't help but to get drunk on my own self-pity."


It's hard to believe that I wrote this post in secrecy just a little over a year ago. It is hard for me to read and to know that at one point I felt so trapped, so lonely and so lost. I am now putting it into the public light so I don't forget about it. I never want to put myself into another situation where I feel as I did back then.

The rest of my posts will be no where near as heavy, I promise you. I want to thank you for joining me on this transformation process and all the hilarity of plunging myself back into the single's pool that will follow.