Update! Update!

It has been nearly three years since my last post. It's been three years since I lived the summer in which I felt in control of the world around me, a femme fatale of sorts who had a whirl of possibilities surrounding me. Oh, how things have changed. But let's back up... last I wrote I had met a guy in a chance beer pong pairing. While this encounter held so much promise, it was actually the beginning of the end. The end of my trust. The end of my confidence. The end of who I had always been. "R" and I dated for two years, and it became an unhealthy cycle of pure joy, love, him cheating on me, me questioning what I could have done so wrong, and eventually forgiveness on my part. After each of these cycles I would sit and wonder why I kept giving him chance after chance. I would ponder if this is what true love was: living and forgiving through the hurt. When I finally realized that there were much bigger issues at hand (mainly addictions), I stood my ground and let the love I had inside of me guide the way. There were some dark days, that's for sure- but there were days of such blinding lovely light that I stuck with it. We planned on getting married. He had already asked my brother's permission and we had picked out a ring (which I would look up online several times a day, imagining it on my finger). It took a huge fight at Emma's wedding to shake me to my core and realize that no matter if he stayed faithful, no matter if he gave up his vices....he would never love or respect me the way I deserved. So; as I filtered "R" out of my life, I did what I had truly been wanting to do for nine years: I called "Lost love" and fully invited him into my life. Life began to blur into something surreal. LL had just moved into the city, a mere mile from my own house and I flooded him with all the yearning I had been holding onto for nearly a decade. I flung the leftover love from "R" at his feet. I attached the misplaced affection for the friends and family I had gained (and now lost) onto him. He was everything I had ever wanted, needed, and looked for. I knew in my heart that there was a reason why I had held onto the shadow of him for so long... and that was to be with him so completely now. LL warned me with words that he did not want a relationship- I accepted that as "he didn't want labels", for we quickly spent every moment possible together. We would wake each morning tangled in each others embraces. We would meet each others brothers. We would tell each other "I love you." I had never felt so at ease and at peace in my life. It was if I was filled with so much happiness I could burst at any moment. And then; a week after my birthday, he began to pull away. When asked, he would answer that he needed more time to himself. That he had to figure himself out. But the truth is it wants someone more "put together" than myself. Someone he won't describe as "crazy." At this moment, I do feel crazy. I feel like every choice I have made has been self-destructive and all the love I have tried to offer has been swatted away like a bothersome fly. The light I used to carry inside of me like a torch has been put out, extinguished by the constant questioning and doubt of: "What is wrong with me?" and "Why can't I be loved back?" I have always heard that the first step to recovering yourself is to identify the source... the need. I long for someone to love me greatly, but continually pick the wrong type of men to satisfy this. From here I will say: no more. I am determined to love myself enough to give myself better. This is no longer about fun, cheap, and easy hook ups. This is about my life.